BUILDING UNITY, MATURITY & POWER IN THE CHURCH
   FOR TRANSFORMING COMMUNITIES & NATIONS

               Testimony

You may just be a tad bit interested in who we are since you may have been reading what we are doing and what God has been showing us. Fair enough!

Hi! I am just an ordinary, regular type of gal serving an extraordinary type of God with the power that raised Christ Jesus from the dead living in me. That power came inside of me when I had a very real experience with Jesus and accepted Him as my Lord and Savior when I was just four years old.

Now when the extraordinary comes (that would be Jesus) into an ordinary person (that would be me), it creates quite a combination! I say that because the outcome is always different depending on the choices I make. When I choose to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit - wow, amazing things happen! When I choose to walk this life in my own strength, um, the results can sometimes be a little embarrassing to myself and to my Lord Jesus Christ.

I was raised in a strong, Spirit-filled, Christian family. The first years of my life were spent at an orphanage in Mexico as my parents were missionaries and ran the orphanage. (Yes, my first language was Spanish and I still speak and understand quite a bit, though I am not quite fluent.) My family - even now - are all involved in God's work - whether in missions, as pastors or in church leadership. (All except for my father who has the honor of being in God's presence as he went on to be with the Lord when I was 14 years old.)

For me, well, life was never easy for me. I loved the Lord and more than anything I wanted to be led by His Spirit and live a victorious, Christian life. I knew I had a strong call on my life – but I wrestled so much with my self esteem.  Not just my self esteem, but with self hatred and self destruction…a self deprecating spirit.

I was always looking at myself and concerned with the way others saw me. Over and over it was stressed to me that it is important how I present myself, even in the church . . . especially in the church, because I was representing God.

Focusing on myself (instead of the Lord), I became a master at presenting myself (instead a master of representing the Lord). If I was not thin and beautiful according to the world's standards, I was certainly bright, well read, knowledgeable, and very fun to be with. I knew the Word (I had a lot of head knowledge) and I knew how to do everything right. I was quite the perfectionist. The thing is, I wanted to do the right thing – but I never felt a freedom to make mistakes or fail.  So in a sense I became a performer – though I don’t believe that that was my intention.  It just happened.

People put an awful lot of importance on first impressions, especially as Christians. Because we are representing God, we tend to be extremely cautious, critical and judgmental of ourselves and others. We are so careful about not stepping on someone else's toes or offending our brother and being politically correct that we muddy down who Jesus is, not to mention who we are. No freedom in that! I didn't even know who I really was because I was so busy trying to be someone acceptable to the Body of Christ as well as someone acceptable to those I was trying to reach. I wasn't conscious that I was totally disregarding what Jesus thought of me because my eyes were on myself and others, not on Jesus. As a result I became very hurt and angry because I constantly failed and never felt fully acceptable.

Somehow everything got even more complicated. I was so miserable inside. I knew I did not have victory over so many areas in my life.  I was constantly on the verge of tears and was miserable inside.  I began to drink alcohol to keep an appearance of being relaxed, peaceful and happy on the outside when I was around people. I still was in leadership in the church, I still sang in the choir, I still had small groups at my house - but without something to numb me up I would just cry and feel hopeless. Slowly I started to back out of these roles as I knew I was accountable to God. I went to the church leadership. I told them there were struggles in my life that I was not getting victory over and did not feel I should be teaching and leading. They told me we all go through these times, but I had a call on my life and would not be in God's will if I was not teaching and leading. I became disillusioned, angry, bitter, and just plain miserable. I also could not control my drinking anymore. I quit going to church and I quit trying.

I had been doing everything in my own strength and ability as a Christian. It was a burden far too heavy to carry. How can you know Jesus and be in the Word and still have emptiness and pain? How could that be? I felt so guilty and miserable because I knew that Jesus was the only way, but I was not happy and I felt very empty inside.   Then there was all the anger and bitterness I was carrying (as well as self-hatred).  By hanging onto all that anger and bitterness I was giving the devil and his demons legal right to kill, steal and destroy my life - even the right to work through me! I finally withdrew from the life I was living (with the help of a very loving & patient mom) and took time out from life as I knew it. I realized that even with all the Bible knowledge and teaching I had under my belt, I still wasn't sure just how to live life God's way. As a result I spent a year at the Alpha Henson Women's Center (a Christian home for women with life-controlling problems), where I submitted myself to God and the authority of the staff there.

I began to unlearn all the ungodly beliefs and religious "stuff" I had thought were the right way to serve God.  It was a very tough year, but in that year I had more growth and healing as I sat at the feet of Jesus, confessed all my shortcomings and recommitted to serve Him His way. I needed godly people to guide me. I needed to be around people I could be honest with and say "I don't understand" or "I just don't get it!" People that would still love me when I acted inappropriate instead of perfect, angry instead of controlled, and even when I acted defeated instead of victorious. These people showed me the way and spoke the truth in love. I did not always like the truth they were speaking to me - but I never wanted to go back to where I had been. The truth sometimes hurts, but the Truth changed my life. Yes, my life changed. My relationship with Jesus changed. It became much more intimate - not just knowledge, but a special, sweet intimacy.

This is what I long for all Christians (and all people) to experience…freedom in Jesus! To move on to a higher spiritual maturity and authority reaching their full potential of who they are in Jesus. Have I reached my full potential in Jesus? No way! Not even close, but I am closer than I was yesterday. I have learned to throw down the constraints that people, and religious activities have put on me and go straight to Jesus, using His Word as the final authority. I have also learned that it is His impression of me that is more important than man's impressions. Man may misunderstand me and think I am a bit "off", but if I am not pleasing Jesus, what is the point? Who cares what people think if I am miserable inside! This freedom in Jesus brings such peace, blessing, balance and stability in our lives.

Another thing I learned was that though many people and many Christians mean well and have good intentions – they are just that – good intentions. Good intentions cannot heal and set us free or even guide us in the right direction.  Good intentions, without the leading and guiding of the Holy Spirit, quite frankly just didn’t help.  If anything they often messed me up a little more. 

One of the blessings (and balances) the Lord has brought into my life, as I have learned to freely give Him my everything, is my husband. Our meeting in itself was pretty miraculous since I was living in California and he in Maryland. But when you are in God's will, nothing is impossible! Our first married year we knew that we were to just spend time getting to know each other and learning to follow and flow as a couple in the Lord as we grew in our own individual relationship with Jesus. It was a year of real growth.

Over the years I have learned that a marriage relationship, just as any important relationship, takes a lot of effort. Every day is a day of growth! Experiences have taught me that anything that is worthwhile takes time, effort, honesty and 100% dependency on the Lord. Then you know what? It becomes a wonderful, precious experience that creates a hunger in you for more. That is how it is with my relationship with Jesus, and that is how it is with my relationship with my husband.

Peggy Chalson